Well done on replicating the stilted line use. You cut it up in a way that allows each groupings of words to get their own considerations, though you also introduce a factor of repetition that adds poetry to it.
You were successful in imitating the fragmented and choppy structure. The imagery was vivid and eye catching. I really liked this piece because it felt very true to life, especially with the image of bringing a "cigarette to those/ red, watery lips."
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.
I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library.
— Jorge Luis Borges