Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My Mama's Waltz

It’s either gonna be wine or vodka on your breath

And I soon feel a creep of tizzy

Would you care if this were to be your death?

I pretend. I’m busy.

You forget yesterday and today’s plans

And I sink further into myself

Only filled with this moment's pleasance

Until you sober yourself

Your ability to metabolize ceases to exist

Never will I slave to ethyl

Until your sleep sends you into a mist

But I suppose this is my hurtle

We leave these moments unsaid

For we both know this change will be inert

But as you waltz towards the unfed

I begin to know comfort


  1. Your decision to not conform to the poets 4 line stanzas adds to the flow of the poem. there is no need to take a pause and breath, taking in the moment. instead the moment is one long exhale, belting out the extent of the moment n one smooth motion. the passion expressed is mirror with the poets poem beautifully. the detail of the characters has a a nice depth in order for the reader to appreciate their relationship.

    Jason Yelland

  2. I thought your poem had good rhythm but I disagree with Jason that there was no need to take a pause. I found myself stopping at the periods, but it maintained a rhythm for me nonetheless.

  3. flows very well, definitely adds to the lyrical feeling of the waltz

  4. Great choice of words and rhymes. I really liked "exist" and "mist" :)

  5. Your use of punctuation in the line "I pretend. I'm busy" is quite fascinating. It definitely gives a double meaning, and also provides another lens to look at this poem through. :)


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