And I soon feel a creep of tizzy
Would you care if this were to be your death?
I pretend. I’m busy.
You forget yesterday and today’s plans
And I sink further into myself
Only filled with this moment's pleasance
Until you sober yourself
Your ability to metabolize ceases to exist
Never will I slave to ethyl
Until your sleep sends you into a mist
But I suppose this is my hurtle
We leave these moments unsaid
For we both know this change will be inert
But as you waltz towards the unfed
I begin to know comfort
Your decision to not conform to the poets 4 line stanzas adds to the flow of the poem. there is no need to take a pause and breath, taking in the moment. instead the moment is one long exhale, belting out the extent of the moment n one smooth motion. the passion expressed is mirror with the poets poem beautifully. the detail of the characters has a a nice depth in order for the reader to appreciate their relationship.
ReplyDeleteJason Yelland
I thought your poem had good rhythm but I disagree with Jason that there was no need to take a pause. I found myself stopping at the periods, but it maintained a rhythm for me nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteflows very well, definitely adds to the lyrical feeling of the waltz
ReplyDeleteGreat choice of words and rhymes. I really liked "exist" and "mist" :)
ReplyDeleteYour use of punctuation in the line "I pretend. I'm busy" is quite fascinating. It definitely gives a double meaning, and also provides another lens to look at this poem through. :)
ReplyDelete